Battling Guilt and Shame
By Dorina Gilmore-Young
AFTER MY HUSBAND DIED, we had many friends and family who came to visit. People brought us meals, cards, and abundant gifts for my girls. However, two uninvited guests kept showing up at my door at the most inopportune times. Their names were Guilt and Shame.
After an intense and harrowing four-month cancer journey, I was especially haunted by guilt that I didn’t do more to save my husband. I agonized over whether we had chosen the right treatments. I questioned God, asking if I should have done this or that to make my beloved more comfortable in the end.
It wasn’t until a few years later that I found the peace I needed to release my guilt. A friend reminded me that when my husband was diagnosed with cancer, he was already in stage four. There is no stage five cancer. There was not anything I could do to “save” my husband at that point. In fact, now I realize it was arrogant for me to even entertain the idea that the treatments we choose can “save” a life. We can do our best and follow God’s leading, but the number of our days is up to God alone.
When I became a widow and a suddenly single parent, I began to feel guilt and shame about asking people for help. Without my life partner, I suddenly needed assistance with common household tasks and repairs. Some of these things I weathered through by myself. I learned to take out the garbage and lock the doors at night—chores my husband always covered.
In that season, I grew an empathetic heart for single mamas. I realized how difficult it is to arrange childcare and to drive kids to events when you’re the solo parent. I’m grateful for the friends who generously offered up time despite their busy schedules to love on my kids so I could attend meetings and work. I would ask for support, but I often felt guilty and helpless.
It’s common to feel guilty after a spouse dies. It’s also characteristic for children and other family members to take on guilt. We have a lot of time on our hands to mull over what we could have done differently, and during that interim, guilt sneaks in. For some, this becomes an even deeper battle against shame.
Eight years after losing my husband, I am still learning to keep my self-talk in check. I have waded through times when I was so sad or insecure due to grief that I found myself swimming in self-doubt. I doubted if I could be a good mother to my three girls who desperately needed me to lead and love them well. I wrestled with simple decisions. I found myself resenting household and mothering tasks because I had to do them alone. In those times, I found myself sitting at the table with Guilt. Shame would often take a seat too if I allowed her.
Consider speaking these words out loud to yourself. You might close your eyes and open your hands if you feel comfortable. Listen to the sound of your breath.
inhale.
exhale.
breathe in deeply and say:
Lord, I will release
exhale the phrase:
guilt and shame.
breath in:
I will embrace
exhale:
courage and grace.
Pam Luschei and Dorina Gilmore-Young