But God
By Karen Magnuson
But God…
When, in November of 2017, pulmonary and cerebral embolisms following knee replacement surgery nearly ended my fit, active husband’s life, I was counseled by “experts” to do the merciful thing. “Let him go,” as there was little hope of ANY neurological recovery.
But God…
I refused to receive that, and against all odds believing Mark 11:24, I had him for another 4+ years—damaged, completely disabled, legally blind, requiring 24-hr care, but very much the same funny, positive, uncomplaining man I’d married. The “experts” were wrong. But for two hours each morning, it was the two of us living in God’s faithfulness. Then two weeks before Christmas 2021, an out-of-the-blue diagnosis of leukemia hit him, and I had but one week to prepare and say goodbye.
But God…
So many face this loss with NO time for preparation, and my heart breaks for you. Yet I know the Lord will be with you on that path, as He was with me. Everyone’s life is ultimately a personal journey, isn’t it?
But God…
Our life/marriage verse was Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He SHALL direct your paths.” Every need we ever had during those years was met, yet now it was just me, and I was no longer a wife and/or caregiver.
But God…
While GriefShare and other groups for those facing loss are wonderful, that wasn’t me; instead, I read, and there are wonderful books written just for us by those who “know.” God knows exactly what we need; we are each unique, and He knows that! ASK, and you shall receive from Him what YOU need. Each morning, I came to Him and found Him meeting new needs I didn’t even know I had.
But God…
When “those who know” suggested that in time, it would be helpful to “change things” in the home to reduce painful memories. God allowed me to have a sewer backup and flood that kept me out of my home for nearly five months and when I returned, nearly everything was new! (and paid for by my Homeowner insurance policy!)
But God…
What are some of the life-changing lessons I have learned while traveling this new, unwanted journey? I learned that time is NOT enough—not by itself. I also had to act, and thankfully, there were helpful lists of things that have to be done when a spouse is gone. Going through “things” was and is a way of putting memories where they now belong—in the past. I learned that if I truly trusted God with my life, I had to surrender my demand for answers and ask Him to not only use me in my new circumstance but to help me find joy in it.
But God…
I still cry and miss him, maybe not as often, but still. Best of all, though, is the knowledge that he is happier now where I know he is than he ever was in this life, and he is whole once again.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and don't depend on your own understanding - In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6