The Connection between Love and Grief
My favorite hot beverage in the morning is a cup of coffee. I used to drink it with cream. When blended together it was a beautiful color. Once the cream was poured in there was no way to take the cream out of the coffee. Some things cannot be separated. I found it similar to grief and love. You can’t take love out of grief, or grief out of love.
Mary-Frances O’Connor, Associate Professor at the University of Arizona, in her new book The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How we Learn from Love and Loss, says,
“You can’t really study grief without studying love. There has to be something that is ‘lost’, and that means there has to be a bond before the bond can be broken by death. The neurobiology of attachment has taught us a great deal about how that bond is physically encoded in the brain”
This is fascinating and validating. We are hardwired for connection and attachment. God made us in His image; body, mind, soul, and spirit. In Matthew 22:37 (CSB), we are told to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.” Not one or the other, but all of them in sync together.
In a culture that is uncomfortable and uneducated in how to grieve, this is affirming.
We spoke vows and gave rings to someone; We gave birth to someone; We were birthed by someone. We shared a life with someone. We created a bond and an attachment to them. And now they are gone. Of course, we will grieve. All the parts of us will grieve. Our body will experience the effects of grief in subtle and obvious ways. Our brains will remember and recall countless memories. Our souls will ache in pain without words. Our spirits groan and weep as we cry out to God.
There’s a bittersweetness in the synchrony of grief and love. We loved in our own unique way and we will grieve in our own individual way. The evidence of our love is seen in our grief.